Calvin vs Chickens
by RogerWilco
Summary: Short story about Calvin's question about what would happen if God was a giant chicken.


"Calvin! Look out!" Hobbes called, watching as a tree loomed up in their face.

Calvin swerved the wagon around the tree, and muttered, "The daring spaceman Spiff evades another attack by the evil Zarks."

Hobbes rolled his eyes, and screamed, "Calvin, focus!" as they whipped by within an inch from large boulder.

"Their attacks are meaningless to our intrepid hero, who evades them with skill and cunning!"

The wagon shot down the trail, with Calvin narrating his attack on the aliens, and Hobbes trying to convince him it was a bad idea to see how close he could get to death.

The duo swept around a sharp bend, and calamity struck.

The wagon's right wheel hit a deep pothole, and the front of the wagon dropped, catapulting the two into the air.

They screamed, Hobbes in terror, and Calvin in exhilaration, as the flew through the air.

They plummeted to the ground, Hobbes landing hard with a groan, and Calvin landing fairly well, on the edge of the cliff.

It gave away as he hit, and the boy fell with a shriek.

Hobbes stared as his best friend fell out of his sight. "Calvin!"

* * *

Calvin opened his eyes slightly, and they shot closed again, as he groaned.

"Someone turn out the lights..."

He opened them again, shading his eyes with his hand.

The ground underneath him was soft and fluffy, and there was a massive pair of gates in front of him.

He pushed himself up, and took a tentative step forwards.

The gates were tall, golden, and they had a strange symbol in the center.

Calvin, being Calvin, ignored it, instead opting to shove the gates open.

In front of him stretched an avenue of glistening silver paving stones.

He walked down the path, staring around him.

On either side, there were buildings, he thought, though they were nothing like he buildings he was used to.

In fact, in seemed as though everything was a little different, and he wasn't seeing anyone walking about.

"This place is creepy... But were is it? And how'd I get here in the first place?"

He finally saw a massive temple-like structure in front of him.

The doors swung open, and he walked towards them, straining to see through the curtains hanging there.

He pushed through, and saw a massive throne.

On the throne, there sat a massive, well, ruler, it seemed.

Not human, like Calvin suspected, but something else.

Something he'd last seen on his plate last night.

From the throne, a giant chicken ruled everything, keeping his own safe.

Or so it seemed to Calvin.

He hoped the safe part applied to him.

"Well, well, well. Calvin, greetings! I was actually expecting you sooner than this, with all of those accidents you've gotten yourself into."

Calvin chuckled, and scratched the back of his head.

"Yeah, about that... oh, and, uh, have I died or something?"

"Why yes! That's why your here, in the coop of judgement."

Calvin gulped, and turned, seeing twelve chickens staring at him with what seemed like anger in their eyes.

"Mr., uh, chicken, uh, god, uh, can I maybe, um, have a friendlier looking Jury?"

The Chicken cackled, and clucked, "Calvin, silly chicken-eater, this is the friendliest I could muster. Recognize Jerry over there? Your family ate him last night."

The chicken looked positively homicidal.

Suppressing a scream of fear, Calvin faced the chicken god.

"What have the Jury decided?"

"GUILTY!" The Jury squawked, and Calvin's eyes widened in fear.

"Guilty. For the heinous crimes of willfully and maliciously massacring and consuming my loyal subjects, I sentence you to eternal roasting, over an open fire."

Calvin didn't try to suppress this screech, and, ducking between the two chicken guards that tried to grab him, fled the room.

"GET HIM!" The once benign face of the chicken god was now twisted into an evil mask.

Well, as much as a chicken's face could.

The guards rushed out, their wings flapping and fluttering as they all tried pushing out the door at once.

Jerry, Calvin's final victim, slammed into the mass of fowl, and then led the charge after the escapee.

Calvin' arms and legs pumped hard as he fled the malevolent chickens, who showed none of their usual fear.

Possibly because he was now smaller than them.

"Hobbes!"

* * *

Hobbes crouched down next to his old friend, and checked the boy's pulse.

It was there, barely.

Hobbes shook him slightly, and called "Calvin! Calvin, buddy, wake up! Calvinball time!"

Nothing happened.

"School!"

Still nothing. Save an unconscious whimper.

"Oh, uh, no school for a month!"

Nothing.

"Mom's making chicken for dinner!"

Calvin shot up with a scream of pure terror, his eyes cutting from left to right.

"Where, where?"

Hobbes grabbed Calvin's shoulder. "Calvin, relax."

"Where are they? Were are they!?" Calvin screeched, gripping Hobbes by the fur on his chest, and pulling him 'til they were nose to nose. "Where?"

"Where are who?" Hobbes asked, scared, seeing the angry, panicked look on his friend's face.

"The chickens! Where are they?!"

"Um... Nowhere?" Hobbes guessed, and Calvin dropped back, relaxing immediately.

"Oh. Whew. Thanks Hobbes."

* * *

"Calvin, dinnertime!"

Calvin sprang down the stairs, calling, "Coming!"

His sat down, and asked, "What's this?"

"Chicken Casserole. You'll enjoy it."

Calvin stared at the food, at his mom, his dad, his food again, his parents, and burst out, unable to hold it in any longer.

"What if we die and it turns out God is a giant chicken? What then?"

His parents stared at him for a second.

"Just eat your dinner, OK?" His mom said, burying her head in her hands.

"Eternal consequences, That's what!" Calvin yelled, glaring at them.

"Just eat."

Calvin poked at it, and said, "I'm really not hungry."

He got out, and walked away from the table.

His parents exchanged looks, and his dad shrugged.

"At least he's not attacking it, claiming it's trying to eat him."

His mom sighed.


End file.
